She's Jess: Expressionism works, not impressionism.

her spilt out: . living in denial .

Always, I believe that when there's effort, there's payback. Some people will tend to put in the least effort and getting the most payback; whereas some others might put in most effort, unfortunately, having a less payback. Those are the cases that everyone known of. However, recently, I've discovered another kind of situation where the response will only be binary, that is the outcome is only yes or no regardless of how much efforts you have invested.

A common and easy analogue: I remember when I was young, I tend to ask my mum for ice- cream. As most of the mother does, my mum rejected me most of the time. Can you imagine how hurt it is when a small little cute girl *ahem* ask for just a small favour to have ice- cream and got rejected? Yes, that's a sad case. What's more if a small little cute girl was trying so hard to fulfill the mother's demands, for example to get good result or even to brush teeth after eating ice- cream, but got rejected from an ice- cream? Try to put yourself in to her shoe and imagine how will it be like when someone says a NO directly into your face after you have put in lots of efforts? Perceived Unfairness. Yes, that's the word to describe.

That's what happened to me. Investing my time, efforts, money, and even energy to the maximum hoping to get a three letter Y-E-S. Yet, I guess a two letter N-O is much simpler to pronouce. I perceived unfairness to the maximum. Just like i am forced to do something that i dislike. Theoritical speaking, I should have just blown up and acted crazy. Fortunately, I am a human. I have rational thoughts. If not, things will get even wilder.

I just don't understand. We are all human. We all have two eyes, a nose, a mouth and two ears. How could one be so fake? On the surface, one might seem like an open person. However, the inner part of it is actually standing there to reject. For a moment, I thought that there is one kind of job is to reject. And to help the person to maintain "good image" of being an "open" person, they distribute acceptance randomly. Hmm... it is so pathetic that people are classified. All these while, I thought we, as human, classify Animals in Zoology, we classify Plants in Botanicology, we classify chemical elements in Chemistry, and so on. Today, i felt that we actually do classify ourself in one course that everyone needs to take, which is the Society.

Well, things seem to make sense. But, sometimes, people tend to complicate things. How sad it is when a person no longer trust a person. What's more if a society doesn't trust another? is that still a society? is that still the aim of globalization? i doubt it. Human invent to shorten human's physical distance; on the other hand, human themselves try to keep some distance from one another. What's the point? This is at all so fake.

At this moment, I am still trying to make sense out of it. Eventually, i know i will, as i am better this time after learning to handle facts that's going against me. From now on, I will bear in mind the word "What's the point?" and the phrase "What for?". We are not born to follow our feelings. We are born to do things that is benifitial (this is selfish i know) and, to the least extend, worth our efforts.

As such, things happened for a reason. Indeed, things happened for a purpose. No one will ever do things without any purposes.

am relating this to what that has happened. it's basically i received a message from someone. i told my best friend about it when i reach the college. she asked me whether i feel bad about it? honestly, i got no comment on this. she kept explaining things to me over and over again and expects me to do something about it.

look, what's done cannot be undone. what is there for me to do about it anyway? i read the message and there's like no directions or instructions that i should do something? it's messy. things were told differently to different people. i don't care anyway. i am happy with my current self. yea, so what if i am being selfish? i learnt them from people around me. it isn't a bad thing after all.

i told her it's not a big problem. it's not complicating and disturbing at all to me. she said i am so different. the old me would have whine non stop about it already. yea, i admit. i take small tiny problem as something big last time. not now anyway. i've changed. better or worse, it doesn't matter just as long as i'm comfortable with myself.

she then said that i am just living in denial.

yea right...

She's Jess
Tuesday, March 28, 2006 1:33 PM
13 pour out(s)