when i stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are so many things about myself that i don't really know and understand. i may not even like it. i start to feel insecure and wonder where would I be in a year or two, but then i get freak off thinking the position i am in now.
realized...
people around me are so weird, or maybe i am the one? those friends that i thought i were so close to, aren't exactly like what i thought of. imagine your eleven years old friend betrayed you for the sake of money? friends that i treated them just like my sisters turned out to be so different. they are not the friends that i first knew. i can't even recognize their behaviours. backstabbing. having prejudice on each other. one by one pulling away from me. why? worse, they thought that i want to destroy them? no, i always hope the best for them. i seriously do.
realized...
my studies. i know i could have done better. i am lazy. i had all miracles for all my finals. i thought i will fail for my last finals. but miracle happened just now, i have distinctions and credits. i am not happy though. miracles will not happen again for my upcoming exams. i have no one to blame for this. the problem lies on me.
realized...
my perceptions and views now have gotten stronger, or weird- er? i see what others are doing and find myself judging more that the usual me. i realized that i have certain boundaries in my life and are constantly adding things to my list of what is acceptable and what isn't. one minute i'll feel satisfy, and the next, i am on the opposite side. i order myself to improve and i hope for improvements from people around me as well. perfectionist... you call that perfectionist?
realized...
i always feel alone. i feel scared. i feel confusing. i feel insecure. i have this strong feeling in me that things will never turn to be like what i expected. maybe i expect too much? there's never a happy ending in whatever i am involve in. i believe that my life is destined to be in this way- no happy ending. good thing that the past and history are dirfting further and further away. and as for the current, i am lost. what more to say on the future?
realized...
i go through the same emotions and questions over and over, looping non stop. i miss the old me. i talk and argue over the same topic with the people around me because i can't seem to make a decision. i worry about my studies. i worry about the future and making a life for myself. i worry on things that i shouldn't be worrying. i doubt that i would have the abilitites to finish the race of my life with great achievements.
realized...
there is still people who cares for me. i am happy and grateful for them. and in return, i make them worry more of me. i have no intention but i don't know. worse, the thought of committing suicide is back once again. the scars on my left wrist are haunting my mind, supporting me to do it once again. i know that's not the way. i should not avoid. i should not.
realized...
by reflecting those scars left on my left wrist makes me ponder more on the past, scolding myself how foolish was i do behave so. and those scars does help... by discouraging and demotivate me. but... thoughts of repeating the foolish act are in my mind.
and i realized...
i should just stop whining and get a life for myself. i shouldn't get the people around me worrying of me.
but how?
yes, i know i have a great life, a life which is far more greater than the people out there.
but still... i can't help myself.
depression? i am diagnosed with depression or some mental disorder problem? oh yea, i have problem sleeping... again... oh! it's july!
me... missing pete! and that put a smile on my face! *smiles* no, am not diagnosed with love sick. i can assure you this.
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.: [her- self] :.
.: [her bits] :. I amJesslyn.
have been living
in kuala Lumpur since the 6th of february in some years ago.
still growing up and
struggling with life.
embracing my very own life
now, so mess not with me, interfere not with me. overall, i am
just nothing to be precise.
oh, I loveiandearly.
just one thing you got to remember always.
by the way, this
is what others think of me. and what's your verdict?
